TSA part 4

So I'm sure some of you are wondering "what's all this stuff about the TSA lately?".

Well it goes something like this:

Last December I flew to the United States, San Francisco to be exact.

I flew with British Airways this time - departing from Heathrow.

Upon boarding the plane - at check in when they swiped my boarding pass the machine went "boop".

Instead of a high "beep" a low "boop" was emitted.

"Come with me sir!" Said the nice British man.

"Huh? what for?"

"Oh nothing  - you've just been chosen for a random search"

OK I thought - no big deal.

So on a table I threw my carry - on.

He took a quick look and I was off - boarding the plane.

No biggie right?

Well upon arrival in San Francisco guess what?

At customs the machine went "boop" instead of "beep" again.

"Come this way sir!" the TSA agent said as he unhooked the divider so I could get out of line.

"What for sir?"

"Oh nothing really - you've just been chosen for a random check"

"Random my ass!" I said - obviously perturbed by now.

"ARE YOU ALLRIGHT?" came the coded answer.
Yes this is a code, it is a code phrase the TSA and other law enforcement agencies use at the start of a SITUATION. It is part of their DE-ESCALTION TACTICS and training.

Whenever you hear this phrase "ARE YOU ALLRIGHT" be wary! 

The TSA agent or law enforcement officer is going in ATTACK MODE! 

So I practiced my own "de-escalation tactics".

"Yeah of course - just tired" I said.

He lead me to the search area where I was confronted by a totally attractive young blond TSA agent.

Whoooo - de-escalation turns into maximum flirt overdrive!

But not for long.

"Do you mind telling me what this is all about" I said.

"We have the right to search any person coming in the United States...."

"Yeah yeah" I interuppted "But this ISN'T random!"

"ARE YOU ALLRIGHT?!" came the coded trigger words again from her training- blurted at me with beautiful big eyes with lovely long feminine eye-lashes!

"Yes I'm allright, have you ever heard of jet-lag?"

"What?"

"JET-LAG! You know- I'm tired and irate because of the time change."

I continued - as she was obviously freezing up - you throw these government workers a curve-ball and they always freeze up. They are stupider than a box of rocks (obviously, that's why they are working at the TSA) - it's like when you go to McDonald's and order a Big-Mac but WITHOUT cheeze. They just freeze up because there is no button on the cash register labeled "without cheeze".

So I used the slight pause to continue - 

"Look - this isn't random. You guys checked me back in Heathrow, and now you're checking me here , all 'randomly'. And before that you 'randomly' checked me on my last trip too."

This girl was not only beautiful but smart too, she quickly typed my passport in her computer terminal and said "Wow! You weren't LYING - we did check you three times!"

"Of course I wasn't lying!" I replied totally baffled. But realizing that THIS IS HOW IT IS IN AMERICA NOW. THIS IS HOW IT IS IN A POLICE STATE. WE ARE LOWLY "CIVILIANS". They see it as "US AGAINST THEM". 

They are the military or elite, and to question them on their high pedestal I must be lying right? 

How could I, a lowly civilian even come close to questioning their perfection endowed upon them by the state?!

Never mind that I also am EX-MILITARY and am savvy to their ways.

I started relaxing , as I had no intention of being tasered by a hot blond irate TSA agent.

She opened my suitcase and inspected everything.

I used the situation for small talk, however everything I said was misunderstood.

It seems that arriving on Christmas Eve is generally not a good idea - everyone is in a shit mood because they have to work on a holiday.

So this leaves me wondering.

How did I get on their "list"?

Six months previously I traveled to the US out of Amsterdam (KLM usually have the best prices to SFO).

Because the Dutch are so proud of being the most liberal idiots of Europe, they had implemented the new scanners in their airport ON A VOLUNTARY BASIS.

If it's voluntary then there's no problem with refusing right?

Well I had to test my "rights" of course - damned Americans! Always insisting on their rights!

"I don't wanna go through that machine"

"Why not" said the nice Dutch security agent.

"Because it's a violation and it's also VOLUNTARY as your Airport adverts said so themselves"

"Well it's because of your president!" he said!

"I didn't vote for that asshole!"

"Yeah but next year this will be mandatory - because of your president"

"OK you got me there, but I still don't wanna do it".

So they had to pat me down the good old way.

While doing my pat-down I noticed that a good 80% of all scans were faulty and had to be patted down anyway!

I told him that and he fully agreed.

So there we were, two 30 something year old white men agreeing fundamentally.... but still going through the motions.

I'm sure that cheese-eating proud to be liberal son of a bitch put me on the watch list.

I'm travelling again this June.

I feel so much safer now knowing these guys are "on my side"....

Doesn't it feel good sticking up for your rights?